Are You Thinking about breaking up?

Breaking up can be a very difficult decision. Sometimes people say "why don't you just break up with him?", but often they don't understand how hard it can be to leave. You may be reluctant to break up with him, for lots of different reasons like:

• you love him because he is still good to you sometimes
• you hope he will change
• you are scared to leave him because of what he could do
• all your friends have boyfriends and you'd feel left out or alone without him
• you feel worthless without him
• he says he loves you
• you feel you can't avoid him because he's at the same school or has the same friends.

It can be really hard to break up, especially if you still love him or if he says he loves you. But if he is treating you badly, this is not showing you love or respect. This kind of treatment can be very damaging for your self confidence. You deserve to have someone who says he loves you and shows he loves you by always treating you with respect.

Your boyfriend may really try to pressure you if you try to break up. If he thinks you will leave him, he might improve his treatment of you for a while but then go back to his old behavior later, when he feels in control again. This is a common pattern in abusive relationships. Be suspicious if he promises to change when you leave or threaten to leave. If he hasn't respected your rights in the relationship so far, then how likely is it that he will change his attitude now?

The abuse and violence won't just go away - in fact, usually girls say it gets worse over time. Some have found that the abuse increased when they have tried to break up. Think carefully about your physical safety - if you are afraid of him, take these feelings seriously because you could be in real danger.

It's your decision. If you do decide to continue being in the relationship, or if you decide to split up with him, think of ways to protect yourself from any more violence or abuse. See the Safety Tips below for ideas.

A place to think about your relationship

Think about your reasons for staying and leaving, and about how the abuse may be affecting you. How would your life be if you didn't have to put up with abuse? You can use the Thinking Sheet questions to help you think about the relationship.  You can write your safety plan ideas down on a Thinking Sheet -- Either click here for a copy you can print or if you would like a PDF version, Click Here (PDF version requests Acrobat Reader which you can download for free here :  )

Taken with permission from Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre

Strategies for Safer Dating

• Stay in touch with friends and stay involved in activities you enjoy.
• Listen to your instincts and believe in yourself. Trust your own judgment if you have concerns about someone you're dating.
• Learn about teen dating violence and know the warning signs.
• Learn about and seek out healthy relationships.
• Have money and/or a phone or some way to call for help or leave by yourself if you need to.
• Go out in groups or meet up with others when you go out.

Safety Tips for Victims of Dating Violence

You might not feel able to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment.  But there are still things you do to help you to feel safer in the relationship:

• Make and keep a list of helpful phone numbers, like supportive friends, hotlines, etc.
• Keep a dated record of the abuse.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner confronted you or became physically abusive.
• Go out to public places, meet other people or let other people know where you'll be.
• Tell friends or family and get them to help protect you by being around when your boyfriend/girlfriend is there
• Try not to be alone with them
• Think of ways to stay in control of the situation. For example, if you are out, arrange another way of getting home rather than going with them, or try not to drink too much or use other drugs. Take extra money in case you need to call a taxi or use the telephone.
• Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you feel uncomfortable or scared.
• Have a code word or signal that you can use to get friends to help you
• If you go to school with him, you could talk to a teacher or a workmate you trust to help protect you
• Memorize or write down the number of the police so you can call them if you are in danger (In the United States phone 911 for police in an emergency)
• If you want to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend but are scared about their reaction, you could consider telling them over the phone, rather than in person. Or you could tell them when there are other people around.

Protecting Yourself After the Break-Up 

• Try not to be alone. Tell friends what is going on. Eat lunch with friends and walk with them to class.
• Tell teachers, counselors, coaches or security guards what is happening.
• Change your routine, ask to rearrange your class schedule.
• Change your cell number.
• Change your route to and from school.

How to Help a Friend Who is in a Violent Relationship 

• Talk to your friend and be non-judgmental when discussing the abuse.
• Listen to your friend and believe him/her.
• Let your friend know that violence under any circumstance is unacceptable.
• Express your understanding, care, concern and support.
• Point out your friend's strengths.  He/she may not see his/her own abilities and gifts because of being blinded by the effects of the abuse.
• Encourage your friend to confide in a trusted adult.  Offer to go with him/her for help.
• Talk to a trusted adult if you believe your friend's situation is getting worse.
• Help your friend by suggesting a counselor or an advisor you trust.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with your friend's partner.  Don't try to mediate or otherwise get involved directly.
• Call the police if you witness and assault.

What NOT to do!

• Don't be critical of your friend or his/her partner.

• Don't ask blaming questions such as:  "What did you do to provoke him/her?"; "Why don't you just break up with your partner?"; "Why can't you handle him/her?"
• Don't pressure your friend into making quick decisions.
• Don't assume that he/she wants to break up with his/her partner, or that you know what's best for your friend.